Tender Love
by BleachedMerc
Summary: Bewitched by Sora's charms and heroism, several women try to seduce their way into marriage.
1. Chapter 1

One fine day with a woof and purr, Sora grabbed a broom to beat away the stray dogs and cats that had settled on his front porch over night. He had to clear a path so that he could join Kairi for a fun day of swim and surf at the beach. But unbeknownst to him, his expert skills with a broom attracted the wrong kind of attention. No, not from the dogs and cats; they scattered like bilge rats on a sinking galleon.

Anyway, Sora replaced his broom next to the mop Cid had given him for his birthday and started off for the beach. But the broom didn't exactly get along with the mop, so it sprouted magical arms and tossed the mop out an open window where it clonked Sora's stalker on the head. Magically.

"Oh dear!" exclaimed the stalker as she picked up the mop. "There's dirt here!" Without even acknowledging the bump caused by the head-whacking-mop, the stalker started to mop the dirt off of a dirt road just outside of Sora's house. But the mop wasn't a dues-paying member of the Mop's Guild, so it was subsequently hunted down and beaten up for mopping on the guild's turf. With no mop left to mop with, the stalker continued to stalk Sora to the beach.

At the beach, Sora and Kairi were busy building a sandcastle. When they finished, they crowned each other King and Queen of the Sandy Sanctuary Kingdom then went for a swim. When they came back to dry off, Sora noticed his towel was missing. Kairi offered to share hers, but this made Sora turn beet red, so he ran off to the Beach Shack to scour around for an old cloth or discarded towel to use. It was there he met _her._

"Towel?" said Kanga, holding out the towel she had pinched off the sand when Sora wasn't looking.

"Hey, that's mine!" Sora exclaimed. He tried to make a grab for the towel, but Kanga pulled it away just as his fingers grazed the threads and stuffed it into her pouch. "What'd you do that for?"

"Crumpet?" said Kanga, holding out a plate of old, stale crumpets that were delicious to no one other than the maggots wriggling from them.

"No! Give me back my towel!"

"Oh dear, you're so wet," Kanga said as she stuffed away the crumpets and pulled out a bottle of Vodka. "Drink this, dear. It'll warm you up."

Before Sora could even register what was happening, the dogs and cats from earlier broke into the shack and tackled Kanga for the maggot-crumpets. They gnawed and chewed and clawed through her pouch, tearing everything to shreds and sending Sora's towel flying. Sora caught the towel mid-air and backed away slowly out of the shack, leaving Kanga to the mercy of the animals.

Sora and Kairi finished up their afternoon beach fun and went home while Kanga tried to offer the dogs and cats some Vodka only to realize that the bottle was empty.

The End.


	2. Chapter 2

Despite his flamboyant appearance, Xehanort was actually a scientist whenever he wasn't clubbin' with Dilan and Braig. One day in the lab, however, when Xehanort suffered a massive hangover, he accidentally spilled some blood samples onto a dues-paying mop from the Mop Guild. Xehanort then passed out and his body collapsed onto the switch that activated the radiation machine conveniently placed near the mop. The mop then transformed into Super Mop and it flew away out an open window.

Super Mop went on to save little Timmy from a well, rescue a baby from a burning building, and perform emergency liposuction on a man in Traverse Town who had eaten too much at the cafe. Having performed so many good deeds, the gods of Olympus chose to reward Super Mop with one wish: and he wished to be a real boy. But they could only manage to finagle him a female body, so he became a she. Super Mop transformed into Super Girl, but DC Comics sued and a court-appointed judge ruled that the superhero in question be replaced by a low budget cross-over character conceived from the art designs of the two main characters of Kingdom Hearts. Thus Xion was born and all mourned the death of Super Mop.

Lost, confused, and surrounded by people throwing everything from stones to shoes, Xion was stuffed into the trunk of a black SUV and driven away by several men in black suits. They subsequently dumped her into the ocean where she eventually drifted and washed ashore on Destiny Islands.

Sora and Kairi were busting up the beach with their friends Little Irvy and Selphie at the time. Not-Super-Mop Xion coughed up three lungfuls of water before anyone took notice.

"People seriously have to stop throwing garbage in the sea," said Little Irvy. Everyone agreed, except Sora and Kairi (so essentially just Selphie and the hidden Mop Guild spies agreed).

Sora and Kairi rushed to help the poor, discarded girl. They dried her up and gave her something to eat.

"Thank you," said Xion.

"Aw, it was no trouble!" Sora replied with a grand smile.

"What happened to you? Where did you come from?" Kairi asked.

"I don't remember," said Xion. "I have amnesia."

"I'd better go get a doctor," said Kairi and she left Sora alone with Xion.

Sora made some small talk with Xion, regaling her with tales of his adventures. All the while, Xion's face flushed red. She was in love. As Sora continued to talk about some guy named Lion or Leroy or whatever—Xion wasn't paying attention—she tried to throw together some sort of confession. But just as she opened her mouth to express her undying love, her face morphed into Sora's.

"Ha, ha! And _then_ Leon punched the Heartless straight out—huh?" Sora jumped into the air, taken aback by the sight.

"Oh, Sora!" said Pseudo Sora in a girly voice. "I can't hide my feelings for you anymore!" Pseudo Sora blushed as Sora stood perplexed and somewhat mortified by the copyright tattoos that appeared on the pseudo's face and were considered a "blush" by everyone not clinically sane.

Uncertain of how to react, Sora gave his doppelganger a wide berth. But the pseudo advanced and continued her(?) long-winded confession.

"I love you, Sora!" said Pseudo Sora.

Walking slowly backwards, Sora accidentally tripped over Little Irvy's sniper rifle. Now vulnerable, Sora lacked the reflex time to dodge an oncoming hug from the pseudo. But just as Pseudo Sora was about to hug and do other questionable things with Sora, a mop rose out of the sand, grabbed the sniper rifle, and blasted the pseudo into the ocean where a squad of marine mops assassinated the abomination.

Sora watched the sight completely stupefied until a hand appeared in front of him. It was Kairi, offering to help Sora to his feet.

"Sorry I was late," she said. "The Mop Signal needed a new lightbulb."

"What just happened...?" Sora asked, befuddled.

"Don't worry about it. Let's get back to playing frisbee with our friends!"

Sora decided it was best not to question Kairi. He just offered her a smile and followed her back to Selphie and Little Irvy.

The End


End file.
